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How to Know If He's the One - Choosing Your Life Partner

By Kathy Reed O'Gorman

Takeaways

• The intense feelings in a new love relationship can make it difficult to look at it rationally.
• We all want happiness, but our long-term happiness is most important.
• Don't dismiss the warning signs as "cold feet." They could be important.

Just looking at him takes your breath away. You think about him all the time. You can't wait to hear from him again. Strong feelings. But is it love? Is he the one? Most women have experienced all of the strong feelings of initial attraction to someone, only to find out later that it was not a good relationship. Those beginning feelings are so intense it can be difficult to view the relationship rationally. Your heart may get in the way of your head, and that can spell disaster and heartache. So how do you know he's the one?Take the time to really get to know him. Do you really know him? When we meet someone, we tend to get an initial impression, and these impressions can later prove to be false. We have to trust our gut instinct, but we also need to verify those feelings with facts. This only comes from really getting to know someone. Find out what makes them tick. To really know someone takes time, effort, and patience. Dating partners, ourselves included, try to put our best foot forward to make a good impression when we meet someone. We hide our bad habits, watch what we say, and try to put ourselves in the best light we can. Many relationship experts call this the "honeymoon period." It is easy to be blinded during this time, especially to others' faults. When you are with this man, on the phone or in person, ask questions. Everyone likes to have someone be interested in him. It doesn't have to be an interrogation. Just use the time you have together to get to know his heart and mind. What does he like? What does he not like? Is he a racist? What are his views on women's issues? What do his friends think of him? How does he treat his family? How does he talk about past relationships? Does he accept responsibility for the mistakes he has made, or does he blame all his problems on someone else? What is his history? What jobs has he held? Has he moved around a lot in his life? What are his goals for the future? What are his regrets? Is he generous? Is he considerate of other people's feelings? Do you recognize any controlling behaviors? Does he listen to you? "Genuine concern manifests itself in listening to the cares, concerns and issues of your woman," says Anthony Woodson, president and CEO of BlackLoveForever.com, a matchmaking service that has resulted in nearly 500 marriages. "A man who wants to be around you for the long-term will be a good listener when you need him. He will be a dependable source of guidance and support and will not turn a deaf ear simply because the problem is too big. If he doesn't know the solution, he will try his best to find one." Watch how he interacts with others. Does he bark orders at waiters? Does he have good manners? Manners may not seem as important to you now, but at some point you will want to introduce him to your family or co-workers, and it will become more important. How does he treat women in his life? What does he say about women co-workers? How does he treat you? Is he considerate of your wants and needs? Does he value your opinion? Do you feel free to express your likes and dislikes to him? Does he keep his dates with you on time? Does he do what he says he will do? "To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner," says Jel D. Lewis, relationship expert and columnist. Do you share the same outlook on what is important in life? He can be gorgeous, and make you feel special, but if you are a person who loves to be involved in helping others, and he is a person who is more concerned about getting what he wants for himself, there will be conflict. How does he accept your differences? Two people can have very different opinions on issues, and yet show respect for the other's view. Is he concerned about being right? Will he be supportive of you with whatever you choose to do in your life? What do your friends and family think of him? Eventually you will want him to meet the other people in your life. Because they have no bias toward this man, they may see things you don't see. Listen to their concerns. If someone expresses a concern, look at it carefully instead of dismissing it. If it is a legitimate concern, you need to address it. Look for warning signs. One therapist calls these the "caution lights" and many of us, when we look back on past relationships that proved to be bad for us, remember seeing signs of trouble early on. Most of the time these were ignored. Don't avoid the caution lights. If he does something or says something that makes you feel something may not be right, explore that. Don't rationalize away your concerns. If it doesn't feel right, it may not be right. Think about the long view. It's easy to believe that because we are so compatible now, we will always be. But when we look at a future with someone, a lot of other things become more important. Is he an honorable person? Is he honest? Is he a person of his word? Is he trustworthy? Does he follow through with commitments? Does he want the same things from his life that you do? How does he handle conflicts? Does he have a temper? Is he abrasive or abusive at times? Any sign of abusive behavior is a definite "deal breaker". No matter how nice a guy he is at times, if he's abusive at other times, he's not for you. You deserve better than that. He should make you feel good about yourself and encourage you to grow. If you weren't in a relationship with this man, is he the kind of man you would still want to be friends with? Gandy, creator of the motivational tape, Make Space So Joy Has A Place, gives this advice: "If this person is truly a good fit for you, then his qualities should be desirable even if you are not in a relationship." Do you have the same views spiritually, financially, and socially? Happiness is something we all seek. But long term happiness is our ultimate goal. If this man is the one, he will be someone you can be happy with for a long time. Don't settle for instant gratification to the expense of your long term well-being. Author and motivational speaker Dr. Grace Cornish advises women not to get caught up looking for love in a certain package. "If you think he's the one, don't write him off just because he's not wearing a certain suit or driving a certain car," she says. "Get to know who he is and what his values are. After moving beyond the physical, you can enter the emotional and spiritual, where you'll find love and opportunity waiting and smiling back at you."