Here I am at David's again and he's always playing on the computer. It's all I can think of to say about him anymore. He's just not ever with me, he's always so involved in his games that he barely notices when I talk to him or shushes me when I do or talks over me to laugh with the other guys on there. I don't mind that he plays it I just mind that he doesn't make room for me in his life like I have done so much for him. I have changed my entire being, to a lesser one than before no doubt to be with him. I have been operating at a much lower capacity for a long time even though I have been comfortable. It feels terrible to be ignored like this all the time, but I have been working around it. Sometimes I have done my best concentrated work like figuring out my schedule while I have been with him...besides the intermittent interruptions with his loud talking into the internet microphone I am able to concentrate better than when I am alone and completly lonely or when my parents are there and loud or demand my attention. I just don't feel we are very well fitted. Today he brought up the fact that he would like me to be more flirty with him but I just don't feel like doing that. I am not a very flirty girl to begin with and then on top of that he makes me feel like poo all the time bored and useless because all he does is play his computer games. I would rather go somewhere and talk...we don't have to spend money or energy even we can just get out of the house- some middle ground where we can share some time together. I think he's gotten so used to me that he's forgotten how to be polite to me. And today he was complaining about sharing space on his desk. That is NOT a very good sign for someone who wants me to move in with him!! GOSh. How could I share anything with him if he doesnt even share the little bit of space that my speakers take up. That's ridiculous. And I brought them over so I would actually enjoy myself at his house rather than dread being here with him...but he's just like a child and can't see beyond himself and his own needs. David's own mom said I deserve better today. Virginie's kind of been saying that all along. But this treatment and his attitude of me is terrible. Sure he can be all cute with me when he wants sex or whatever...I don't even understand how he could actually be the same person who said all those nice things in the first place. How could he want to love me and share his life with me when he can't even share his goddam desk or is complaining about how we spend money. It's not my fault that is the way he does things. It's not my fault that he doesnt like the food his mom will make. It's not my fault that he is too afraid to actually use his own kitchen. And he also said that I am not fun at parties or bars. For one thing, he actually has not seen me at any parties or bars at all lately...he doesn't really even remember the good times at all. The time we went to the bar with dancing at Murphy's. He was just commenting on how at his birthday party I was'nt very nice or happy - but he knows and I have told him millions of times that I was very stressed and anxious at that time and it was a lot for me to even come. I was very worried about my future. And if he can't even empathize at all he is a total sociopath!!! WTF!
I told him just now that I think that he has minor sociopathic tendencies. The grandiose sense of self, the sense of entitlement, the lack of empathy, the lack of taking responsibility or feeling guilt or remorse for ones actions, and blaming others.
This is what I have seen from him. And Virginie mentioned before that she thought that he might have a bit of asbergerish tendencies because he plays so much video games but I guess it could just be Video Game Addiction which they are supposing to add to the real mental Diagnostic book!
If you play more than 2 hours a day it's considered unhealthy and they were talking about people playing 40 hours a week as much as a full time job, and I am sure he plays more than that even. When he gets off work at 11:30 pm and gets home around 11:40 he starts playing right away. Then he plays non-stop till 11, 12, 2, 3 or sometimes even 4 or 5. Lets see that's at least 5 hours right there, then he will get up in the morning as well and play for a few hours so that is like 5-8 hours a day and then I'm sure he plays like every day so that is like 40 hours!! It's like a full-time job! And he gets addicted to the gratification and the rewards and thinking he's actually doing something worthwhile on there because it makes him feel like he's accomplished a lot. And maybe he has but it's not worth anything in the real world. i wish he would focus his energy on something that will give him happy results in this world! In this world with me!! And I wish he would pay attention to me and talk to me and stuff. Why is it so hard. Maybe I do deserve better. I have just allowed myself to become pretty much braindead so that I can accompany him but I guess I should use this time for more constructive but quiet things, like this I suppose. I don't know why it bothers me soooooo much, it bothers a lot of women. Its a big problem now a days. and I read an article about fathers actually leaving thier kids in bathtubs and stuff and they died while the father was off playing video games! He left them in the bath for 30 minutes unattended. I guess he thought it wasn't that long. But of course when guys get into the games thier sense of time gets very scewed they don't think its been as long as it has. I HATE THIS!

Anyway, I want him to stop being so selfish! I guess I should start focusing on what I can do for myself to make things better in my life and just forget him for the time being. What do I want? I think that I need to focus on my school, my getting in shape and my job. And cleaning up my room and stuff but it is so hard for me once I get in there it just sucks all my energy away to do it. I hate cleaning my room...and I guess that is why it is so messy. Maybe if I came up with a strategy that would make it go better. Like I could go from the far left corner, to the far right corner, then back and forth left to right. Hit up the bed stand, then the dresser, or first the desk cause it's hard to get to the dresser if the desk is messed, then the bookshelf, then the clothes, then the place behind the bookshelf, then the piano, then the stuff next to the piano, then the other bookshelf and the stuff in front of it, and then the other other bookshelf white one, and then the dirty clothes and then the dresser in the corner. But I'm not sure what to do with this stuff because some of the stuff I just should not have, other of the stuff is just stuff that I need to figure out how to store or straighten. Maybe I could go through with a category of stuff in mind like. Clothes, the clothes that I should get rid of the clothes that don't fit anymore but I wish I could get back to fit into, the clothes that my mother and grandmother gave me that are sentimental, the clothes that fit and dont fit in my closet. I need to start a goodwill box or bag or something and just put all the clothes that aren't useful to me in there. Just have no mercy, if it's not nice, if it doesnt look nice on me, if it's yucky, if it's ugly then just get rid of it. If it is something I can't part with then find a place to put it.

Next is the stuff. It's hard to go through all the crap. But even some of this can be given away to goodwill.

Then there is the ebay pile. This is stuff I want to sell on ebay.

Then there are the books and there are probably a lot to get rid of that I don't want or my mom doesnt want.

This shouldn't take long if I have a strategy. i should write down the strategy and my progress on a graph pad. It would be good evidence to know where I left off and how to tackle it the next time without having to start all over again.

It's important to have a neat room so that you can feel good about yourself, find things, know about yourself, not have it wieghing on you as something you always have to do, and you can invite people in it.

Room, health, relationships with family, school, preparing for next semester.