Confused

New things emerged when I started being with David but things that used to be so core to me were finally swept away. It started at Berkeley when it was all so hard, there was no time to devote to things that I really enjoyed and everyone there was good at everything they did so it made it hard to just do something because you enjoyed it. I love David but everything is always his way. Maybe in a way I like that because I donnt know what to do, but the best relationships have been the ones that have seen the best in me...it hasn't happened much at all really. Not in romantic relationships, I always tend to pick guys who aren't so supportive of me and who I am. I don't even know who I am anymore. My core is so weak, I hardly feel joy anymore except when I am with David. But its not the same excitement as before, I dont know what changed. Maybe now that I know more and there is more in my thoughts, because I no longer have the "beginners mind" that starts fresh in the moment without knowing anything at all but just expereinces. In this mindset we fully see things, we don't just do things by route. I'm obsessed with him, and that was almost how he wanted me to be. I was trying to have my own life before but he'd always get offended if I took classes on the days he had off from work. Now I am finally going back to Berkeley. I don't even know what my goals are anymore.
He dumped me before and what was going through my mind afterwards was the fact that my goals and dreams are built up around him now. Around having a life together then a family together...but he never gives...he never comes around to my way of seeing things, to my family, to my christmas traditions, to my side. It's always like he wants me to be on his side only- sweep me away...but he doesn't want what I have to share. Because he seems like that I feel ashamed when I ask for anything my way. Everything is always up to him because I am so passive and he is so stubborn. But I don't like it that way, even though thats the way it is. maybe it's just the lack of lexapro talking. maybe this is what I really feel without drugs to numb me out. I have nooooo idea. They dont even really know how that stuff works! I went looking for phenalanayine today, it has the same things that chocolate has PEA, or something. He always only thinks of himself. He doesnt relate or empathize. I am far too much in the other direction to the point where I have his desires, I want what he wants...I do things only to please him but I forget myself...it's like I don't really exist anymore. In a way it's pride, I am old fashioned. It is an honor to be a wife and a mother like that, but