:(

Friendship.

My friend got home from Iowa, which I never went to visit her at or got a chance to visit her and though she invited me out and insisted on hugs in the beginning tune and the end. She said this remark which has got to me and eaten away at me like a ulcer.

It was this:
"If Samantha (her friend for 4 years) moved to Croatia I'd move there too. I'd be like Fuck this shit, or like I've had enough of this shit and then I'd be gone!"

Although, it was an innocent comment that was a mere expression of how she felt about her friend. What makes me sad is that she kind of acted like there was nothing here to keep her - and that my friendship wasn't enough if Samantha wasn't there and that my friendship wasn't central or important it was just supplemental.

I began thinking why that was. Is it because perhaps I just seem to care about what people can do for me to improve me - like learn from her? Is it because I am so caught up in wether or not people like me that I am not actually giving of myself?
Is it because she has known her for longer?
Is it because I am fatter and no one wants to be like me?? Or I don't have a glamourous life?
Or I am not funny enough? Am I not caring enough? Am I too American?

Is it because I am taking less lexapro and more wellbutrin that I am feeling this way and onset.
All these questions floating in my head. I could not get to sleep last night.
I just feel like no one (except MAYBE David and maybe my mom) really cares about ME as a person enough that there life would be bad enough to move across the world with me. translation: no body truly seems to value my particular personhood enough that they would be upset if I was not there (besides maybe David - until he found another girl). My mom has my dad and my brother. David's step mom is only nice to me because I might become real family some day. David's mom only wants to feel better herself - either learn things with me or from me. And she wants to have someone to accompany in her healing. and she wants grand kids but it's not a genuine friendship (it's more and less) ... I don't know what I am saying.
But I feel very sad and upset right now. Maybe I am absorbing my brothers energies? maybe David's? I don't know. And Christine - she is just up and leaving to Europe - I guess nothing really mattered for her here...well I guess our friendships weren't enough. And she never wanted my friendship. None of them did, they were just nice to me because I am David's girlfriend and then they only like him because of the past they share but I feel like it isn't like the same type of friendship that I am talking about.
Yes, there are different types of friendships and some of them are true and good but only go so far.
And Sonia, I don't know, I think she just hangs out with me because I am the only girl, because I am interested in the same things...but I don't feel anyone really likes me. genuinely likes me so much that they can't live without me. (besides David and for him it's different). For David it is like, I am the girl that he wants to have intimate occasions with and kids and be a partner but he prefers games over my company any day. It's like pulling teeth to get him off the computer and then it makes me feel bad. Virginie is paid to make me feel better, and has to maintain a professional relationship regardless. She says she likes me but maybe that's to better the treatment and to be successful with me and make me better.

I watched Anne Hathaway on this movie Love and Other Drugs and I don't know. She is so full of herself. This is the first time I have seen her like this and her breasts and everything and it makes me feel bad about myself. It seemed like everybody thinks she is amazing and great. And before she could sing and was funny and that was cute and good and she was in Disney movies but now she's getting naked and is beautiful with beautiful curly hair and she is considered a good drama actress. Which I think she was not. When she was acting all upset about her disease she was so full of herself. She still was so arrogant and thought so highly of herself that - but maybe it wasn't really her but the whole movie as other critics have noted - it was cramming down your throat the fact that she was so hot and that thier sex was sooo hot and everything. And her breasts, oh my god her breasts - they are so amazing - don't you see. Three guys in the film go ga-ga over them! it's ridiculous. but maybe it makes me sad because she just is funny and smart AND gorgeous and good. but other woman who are considered beautiful aren't naturally beautiful, don't have a virtuous air about them, are not funny really and aren't always so good. like she has "good eyes" as one critic says. I'm just sick of actresses and actors who get to take all of the attention and make the rest of us look worse in comparison!
I am upset!!