Reasons might be sad (for no apparent immediate reason)

1. The day before or earlier to that, you might have not got what you wished or not achieved what you desired.
2. You have not been successfull
3. You have been failing for quite some time in meeting the deadlines or following/implementing your time table
4. Somebody spoke to you harshly or hurt your feelings or said something which you did not like that much
5. You are treated like a kid or inexperienced
6. You have been not utilitzing your time properly (an indirect reason)
7. Broke relationship with some good friend (or at least not talking to him/her for quite some time)
8. You are probably trying to escape from some thing and just acting as though you are sad
9. You are playing a prank on us or trying to test the human tendency in responding to questions like this
10. My coffee addiction!

My "interpals" profile

I am a student. I was going to U.C. Berkeley - studying Society and Environment because I care about the Earth and its health and people and thier health. The most interesting class I took was City Planning because it seemed to be the answer to the problems the least invasive and most creative way. Instead of going and telling people what to do, giving them a place to do what is good for the environment like walking instead of driving a car and polluting can help but it doesnt make anyone angry!

I love music! I always have and at one time wanted to be a singer, I think that I gave up the dream because so many people try and fail....but maybe someday I just might try. I love making music, I have been in marching band playing the trumpet, in choir singing soprano and I've also briefly played the french horn, the flute, and the harmonica. I wanted to be in band.

I like reading, if I find a book that I want to read. I would rather be in the real world, so I tend to like reading non-fiction. One novel that interests me is about the surfers that catch waves that can be up to 100 feet tall!

I have always had an appreaciation for other cultures! I love foriegn movies and languages and people. I lived in International House for a time and it was one of the best times ever - except I was afraid of getting close to someone that was going to leave soon. I guess I'm telling too much.... But thats what happened.
The most fun part was talking to everyone in the dining hall. We'd talk about our home town and how things were there and since everyone was from a different country everyone was fascinated with each other. I felt more at home with foriegn people sometimes than I had felt with the people from the county I grew up in. I'm not sure why that is...

I like fruit- raspberries, I liked visiting Vancouver in British Columbia -- that was super fun. I went with my family and we stayed at the Universty! I like San Francisco -- it's fun to go there like a tourist. My favorite places in SF are the art museums, SFMoma, De Yong and the Legion of Honor and Strawberry Hill where they have those boats in Golden Gate Park. I want to go to Baker Beach sometime-- hopefully avoiding the nudist section.

I want to learn another language! Like french or Swedish or Danish or something...but I can't quite make up my mind.

I like stones...crystals. I like tea. I like flowers and pretty clothes (girly stuff). but I also like outdoors things like snowboarding, i want to go wakeboarding. I like dancing! I love having good conversations about philosophical things...sharing deep or interesting thoughts.

jerkkkkk

You know it's funny that most my dad's remarks bring about this mental response in us (my family): "what an asshole." Yet in some ways he has brought so much to my life in the past - all the exciting adventures we went on and his excitement generally and his existment and enthusiasm about the things that I did. But on the other side of the coin - he is extremely judgemental and not even in a very accurate or helpful way. His judgements seek to condemn. I was just telling my mom when she had sat down to rest after a long day of hard work cleaning up the house for a bit that rest makes productivity. And he interjected a rude remark - "don't you talk about rest" as if I have taken too much, which in a way is true but the fact of the matter is he is still a jerk and I was not talking about that - I was talking about mom. I have been working all day though as well, cleaning the bathroom and my room. Yes I have had a problem with my room having chronic organizational issues. But he acts as though I have accomplished nothing else and his judgment is so condemning.

:(

Friendship.

My friend got home from Iowa, which I never went to visit her at or got a chance to visit her and though she invited me out and insisted on hugs in the beginning tune and the end. She said this remark which has got to me and eaten away at me like a ulcer.

It was this:
"If Samantha (her friend for 4 years) moved to Croatia I'd move there too. I'd be like Fuck this shit, or like I've had enough of this shit and then I'd be gone!"

Although, it was an innocent comment that was a mere expression of how she felt about her friend. What makes me sad is that she kind of acted like there was nothing here to keep her - and that my friendship wasn't enough if Samantha wasn't there and that my friendship wasn't central or important it was just supplemental.

I began thinking why that was. Is it because perhaps I just seem to care about what people can do for me to improve me - like learn from her? Is it because I am so caught up in wether or not people like me that I am not actually giving of myself?
Is it because she has known her for longer?
Is it because I am fatter and no one wants to be like me?? Or I don't have a glamourous life?
Or I am not funny enough? Am I not caring enough? Am I too American?

Is it because I am taking less lexapro and more wellbutrin that I am feeling this way and onset.
All these questions floating in my head. I could not get to sleep last night.
I just feel like no one (except MAYBE David and maybe my mom) really cares about ME as a person enough that there life would be bad enough to move across the world with me. translation: no body truly seems to value my particular personhood enough that they would be upset if I was not there (besides maybe David - until he found another girl). My mom has my dad and my brother. David's step mom is only nice to me because I might become real family some day. David's mom only wants to feel better herself - either learn things with me or from me. And she wants to have someone to accompany in her healing. and she wants grand kids but it's not a genuine friendship (it's more and less) ... I don't know what I am saying.
But I feel very sad and upset right now. Maybe I am absorbing my brothers energies? maybe David's? I don't know. And Christine - she is just up and leaving to Europe - I guess nothing really mattered for her here...well I guess our friendships weren't enough. And she never wanted my friendship. None of them did, they were just nice to me because I am David's girlfriend and then they only like him because of the past they share but I feel like it isn't like the same type of friendship that I am talking about.
Yes, there are different types of friendships and some of them are true and good but only go so far.
And Sonia, I don't know, I think she just hangs out with me because I am the only girl, because I am interested in the same things...but I don't feel anyone really likes me. genuinely likes me so much that they can't live without me. (besides David and for him it's different). For David it is like, I am the girl that he wants to have intimate occasions with and kids and be a partner but he prefers games over my company any day. It's like pulling teeth to get him off the computer and then it makes me feel bad. Virginie is paid to make me feel better, and has to maintain a professional relationship regardless. She says she likes me but maybe that's to better the treatment and to be successful with me and make me better.

I watched Anne Hathaway on this movie Love and Other Drugs and I don't know. She is so full of herself. This is the first time I have seen her like this and her breasts and everything and it makes me feel bad about myself. It seemed like everybody thinks she is amazing and great. And before she could sing and was funny and that was cute and good and she was in Disney movies but now she's getting naked and is beautiful with beautiful curly hair and she is considered a good drama actress. Which I think she was not. When she was acting all upset about her disease she was so full of herself. She still was so arrogant and thought so highly of herself that - but maybe it wasn't really her but the whole movie as other critics have noted - it was cramming down your throat the fact that she was so hot and that thier sex was sooo hot and everything. And her breasts, oh my god her breasts - they are so amazing - don't you see. Three guys in the film go ga-ga over them! it's ridiculous. but maybe it makes me sad because she just is funny and smart AND gorgeous and good. but other woman who are considered beautiful aren't naturally beautiful, don't have a virtuous air about them, are not funny really and aren't always so good. like she has "good eyes" as one critic says. I'm just sick of actresses and actors who get to take all of the attention and make the rest of us look worse in comparison!
I am upset!!

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crystal cleaning

CLEANING CRYSTALS Cleansing and Purifying Stones, Crystals and Crystal Jewelry Techniques using Traditional Method of Purified Water, Moonlight and Sea Salt as well as Alternative Techniques including White Sage Smudge, Sweetgrass, and Singing Bowls. Cleaning crystals is a very simple process, once you learn the basics. So what does it mean to clean a crystal? You may have heard people referring to it as cleansing crystals, purifying crystals, smudging stones, or energeticaly balancing crystals. It can be confusing to hear so many different terms, but we're here to simplify it for you. These terms all mean the same thing, they amount to cleaning your crystal or gem stone of old, stagnant vibrations. It is important to purify crystals in your collection on a regular basis. The reason for this is that they tend to pick up energies along the way, like the bad day you had last week, or a fight with a loved one. Purifying your crystals will help to keep their conduits open so that they can work with clarity towards your highest good. It is also kind to the crystal allies. Each crystal is a spirit, a tiny bit of energy. By cleaning your crystal you are honoring it as the sacred and divine being that it is. Whether you are a beginner starting out with your first stone or a seasoned crystal worker, cleaning the crystals in your life is an important aspect to working with their healing energies. Just as people can hold old, stagnant energies in their bodies, so can stones. A simple cleansing process will release the old energy so they can work at their highest vibrational frequencies. It is also a good practice to energetically purify new crystals and stones that you decide to bring in to your life. Oftentimes they have been handled by multiple people in a store setting, and they collect energies off each interaction, whether positive or negative. So whether you've been working with the stone for a long time, or it's a newcomer to your spiritual circle, it may be time for a cleanse. We'll get to the techniques for cleaning crystals a little bit further along. For now, let's look at some of the signs showing that a crystal is ready for purification. 1) If the stone is a new arrival from a store or a gift from a friend: As mentioned above, it is always wise to cleanse new stones so they can work with your energies coming from a pure vibrational state. 2) If the crystal is discoloring: I've seen it happen, you may have too. Stones do pick up what's in their environment, and a very clear, visible sign is when dark inclusions appear in a stone. I've seen sodalite pick up dark brown splotches. I've seen clear quartz pick up black pockets within it's structure. If you have a crystal that has changed colors, especially if the new colors are dark, you're stone is in need of purification. 3) If you aren't drawn to the crystal or gem stone anymore: This can be something as simple as always picking up a different piece to work with, or as dramatic as the stone not feeling good to you anymore. 4) If the crystal feels dull, heavy, or drained: A purified stone, ready to do energy healing should feel light, bright, and pure. If your stone doesn't, it's time for some clearing. BASIC CLEANING CRYSTALS TECHNIQUE So, you have a stone that you just bought and you want to do a quick cleansing on it, or it's time to do some maintenance on crystals you've owned for a while. Either way, it's time for a nice, basic purification. There are many methods for cleansing stones, but for the basic cleanse I'm going to share with you my favorite technique. Gather one or more stones together that are ready for purification. Hold them under running water from your kitchen sink for a few moments. It's a quick physical cleanse to wash off dust, but it also serves to strip away the loosest layer of stagnant energy. Place the crystal or crystals in a bowl. Preferably a large wooden bowl (because it adds in the energy of the Tree People also known as the Standing People). If you don't have a wooden bowl, then substitute as you see fit. Ceramic is nice because it carries the energy of Earth, grounding the stones. Copper is wonderful because it amplifies the cleansing effect. Not many of us have silver bowls laying around the house, but if you do, silver carries Moon Energy and Goddess Energy, which is incredibly powerful for cleansing. I don't recommend plastic, or any other manmade substance as your bowl, because of the jarring, unnatural energy associated with it's production. Your crystals won't be as receptive to healing. O.K. So your crystal or crystals are in your chosen vessel. Now add water to the bowl until they are completely submerged. Structurally charged water is ideal but distilled, purified water is also a good choice. Tap water will also do, if that is all that is available. Tradition says to add sea salt to the water. The sea salt is a powerful purifying agent. It dispels any sort of disease, negativity, or stagnant energies and is a physical and psychic "scrub brush" for your crystals. To use sea salt, add approximately one tablespoon to the water. Before using sea salt consider the crystal types to be cleansed. Sea salt can have an adverse effect on the finished surface of many types of stones. I choose not to use salt in my crystal purification if I am cleansing amber, opal, malachite, jade, freshwater pearls, chrysocolla or any other "soft" stone. Sea salt is too harsh on the surfaces of these stones and will tend to dull or pit them. If you do add the salt, make sure it is sea salt and not regular table salt, because table salt contains aluminum and other chemicals not conducive to purification. Next, place your bowl of crystals outside in a safe place. If you live in an apartment and feel that it would not be beneficial to leave them, you can omit this step or shorten it. If you are graced with a backyard where your stones will be in a safe, private location then this step is highly recommended, as it is has a powerful clearing effect on stones. Place the bowl on the earth. If you have a tree that you feel drawn too, place the bowl at the foot of the tree. Leave the bowl outside for at least twenty four hours. This allows the crystals to receive energies from the earth, wind, water, sun energies, and moon energies. If you feel drawn to leave the crystals outside longer, this is fine too, just check on the water level occasionally and add more water if it becomes low.Some people choose to leave the stones outside from the peak of the full moon through the new moon. If you have the time, and watch lunar cycles, this is a traditional time span. I have found that for most stones, one day to a week outside is enough to completely remove built up stagnant energy. If you have a stone that is in need of deep cleansing, consider leaving it out for an entire month of lunar cycles, from full moon to full moon. After this step, bring your bowl back inside. Remove each crystal one at a time and rinse it for a few moments under running water. This will completely remove any salt residue from the stone and also serves as a final purification. The water that the stones have been sitting in will have picked up some of the energetic residue and that water will still be on the crystals. That's why I like to rinse them under clean running water. It simple adds another level of cleansing by removing the thin layer of old water from around the outside of the crystals. Your stone has now been cleansed. Read further for more cleaning crystals techniques or visit the crystal programming page for information on how to program your stone now that it has been cleansed. You may wish to incorporate additional steps into the cleaning crystals process. I often do, as my intuition guides me too. Allow your intuition to guide you also. Please, never feel that the crystal cleansing process is something you must follow step by step. It is much more powerful to listen to your own intuition and allow for the variations that your spirit guides and crystal allies know are best for each stone you cleanse. CLEANING CRYSTALS WITH SMUDGING Native Americans have used smudging for purification since time began. It is a beautiful practice and your stones will appreciate it. A simple definition of smudging is using the smoke of sacred herbs to cleanse and purify. Smudging can be used on crystals, sacred objects, people, pets, homes, land, and more. For the purpose of this section I will only be discussing smudging your stones. Sage, sweet grass, and copal are the three most common smudging herbs. They can be found at your local new age store or health food store, as well as online, or at any Native American pow-wow. Sage is available loose or as a bundle. Bundled sage is very convenient, consider getting a mini sage wand if it is your first time using it. Sweetgrass comes in long braids, and copal comes in a round disc. To burn the copal you will also need a charcoal briquette (not the kind for barbecuing, but a specialty kind found at new age stores and health food stores). Out of the three herbs mentioned above sage is the one most commonly used for smudging. It has long been considered a cleansing herb that can remove old energies, negative energies, and even negative entities from people, objects and places. To smudge a crystal using sage simply light your smudge wand on one end using a lighter. It will start to smoke. Pass your crystal over the smoke. If you are using loose sage instead of a smudge wand light a piece of the loose sage and place it in a bowl. Pass your crystal over the smoke. If you feel intuited you can add in toning or chanting as you cleanse with the sage, or invoke a divine prayer. Here is an example: Great Spirit Mother Earth Bless this Stone with Purity From the Earth From the Air From the Water And From the Fire Blessed Be and So Mote it Be Smudging with sweet grass is similar to smudging with sage. Sweetgrass is known for bringing in animal spirits and allies. If you want to program a crystal to work with one of your animal guides, consider using sweet grass in addition to or instead of sage. Simply light one end of the sweet grass braid and pass the crystal over the smoke several times. I like to start with a sage smudge to cleanse the stone and then use the sweet grass to bring in the animal allies. If it feels right to you, you can ask the Great Spirit and the Earth Mother to assist you in your work. Also call on the animal spirits that you want to work with and ask for their presence to be imbued into the crystal. Using Copal for smudging will require a slightly different approach. Gather the copal, the charcoal briquette, a lighter, and a flat rock. Light the briquette on one edge. It will start to spark a little. Place the briquette on top of the flat rock (the rock absorbs the heat and keeps you from damaging your furniture). Place the copal on the briquette and wait for it to start to smoke. Once it is smoking then pass your crystal over the smoke several times. EARTH TECHNIQUES FOR CLEANING CRYSTALS Another method for cleaning crystals is to bury the crystal in the earth. This is especially useful for crystals that have built up a lot of negative energy within them. Crystals that have been abused, neglected, placed in an impure environment, or used by people with dark intentions are often in need of serious cleansing. Bury the stone in the earth and leave it be. Burying it for twenty four hours will have some effect, but this technique is most powerful when the stone is allowed to reconnect with earth energies for a longer period of time. I recommend at least two weeks. In some cases it may be best to gift the stone back to the earth and leave it buried. In most cases, it can be dug up again and reused. After an Earth Cleansing, I prefer to follow the full steps of the basic cleanse also. It will help the stones to release all of the old energy within them. You can bury the crystal on it's own or you can add elements along with it. Add a handful of some dried herbs with it such as rose petals, sage, frankincense, myrrh, sandalwood, sweet grass or copal. It doesn't need to be deep, simply dig a hole slightly larger than your stone, place the stone in the hole, and cover it up with dirt. If you're in an apartment and don't have access to the earth where it won't be disturbed, consider using a flower pot. It can be an empty pot that you add dirt to, or dig into the dirt next to a plant in a pot on your porch. An alternative approach if it can't be buried in the earth is to bury the crystal in a cup or bowl inside your house. This alternative method just requires a vessel, a little bit of earth from outside and a several cups of dried herbs. Any of the ones mentioned above are possible, along with many others. Use your intuition to choose the right herbs, but remember, sage is the one most commonly used for cleaning crystals purposes. CLEANING CRYSTALS IN THE OCEAN If you are fortunate to live near the ocean, or are planning a vacation to the ocean, consider cleaning crystals in the ocean. Simply bring a crystal or several crystals with you to the beach. Hold the stone securely in your hand and submerge it in the ocean water. You can also do this at any natural water source, a river, stream, or pond. Since the sun is hotter at many beaches make sure you don't leave the stone exposed for a long time because it could crack the stone. The color of the stone could also fade. If you are going to be at the oceanside for several hours, simply cover the crystal with a piece of cloth or keep it in a small bag when you are done cleansing it. REIKI TECHNIQUE FOR CLEANING CRYSTALS Infusing your crystal with Reiki energies and symbols is another excellent method for cleaning crystals. This will also have the effect of charging your stone at the same time it is being cleansed. If you know how to do Reiki simply hold the crystal in one hand or both and give it Reiki. Crystals are very receptive to Reiki healing and will appreciate the experience. If you don't know how to do Reiki, ask a friend who is a Reiki practitioner to do this for you. If you are or know a Reiki Master, consider imbuing the stone with the Reiki symbols. This can be done by holding the stone and envisioning the symbols being drawn on it's surface. Another method is to draw the Reiki symbols on a piece of paper and place the stone on the paper. Reiki attunements can be given to crystals, plants, and animals as well as people. If you want, turn a special stone into a Reiki practitioner. If you are a Reiki Master, pass an attunement on the stone the same way you would pass an attunement on a person. The crystal will then be a Reiki healer that can be used in healings. Make sure to ask the stone for permission before passing the attunement. Not all stones want to become Reiki practitioners. Some stones have very different purposes on Earth. Simply ask the stone and sit quietly waiting for a nudge of intuition. If you are in touch with your intuitive feelings you will be told if the stone wants the attunement or not. This can come from a feeling, or an image in your minds eye. CLEANING CRYSTALS WITH CRYSTAL SINGING BOWLS Another method for cleaning crystals is to use a quartz crystal singing bowl. Place the stone in front of the bowl, and begin playing the bowl. The vibrations of crystal sound will permeate the cells of the stone, and provide a deep cleaning. Stones receive cleansing from crystal singing bowls, anytime the bowl is played if they are in the same room at the time. The stones in our crystal bowl room are always super-charged and cleansed from the frequency that we play our set of bowls. If you don't have a crystal singing bowl, find a sound healer in your area that does crystal bowl meditations or crystal bowl concerts. Most practitioners are delighted for you to bring in several of your own stones to participate in the event. The stones will be cleansed naturally, just by being there. When we held regular crystal singing bowl meditations in Florida, many of the participants would bring in their stones so they could absorb the vibrations of the crystal bowls and take a little bit of the healing home with them. It was a beautiful experience to see a room full of crystals and light workers all absorbing the vibrations of the crystal singing bowls. It was a great method for our clients to slip in a cleaning of their crystals. If you don't have a crystal singing bowl practitioner in your area, and don't have access to a bowl, consider purchasing a crystal singing bowl CD. The vibrations transmit through the CD as it is played and will have a cleansing effect not only on your stones, but on you and your home at the same time. Our crystal singing bowl CD, Sacred Sounds, has been used by many healers and practitioners. You can hear a sample of the crystal singing bowls cd, and if you like it, it is also available for sale. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT CLEANING CRYSTALS When should I focus on cleaning crystals? If it is new to your home. If it feels dull or heavy. If it is discoloring with brown or black additions inside of it. If you don't feel drawn to it anymore. If it's been more than six months since a cleansing. How often is too often for cleaning crystals? There is no such thing as too much cleaning for a crystal. Follow your intuition. If it is in need of deep cleansing, allow a period of time for this to occur. Otherwise, we recommend once every three to six months. If you work with the stone regularly in a group or with clients, then after each healing session it should receive some cleansing. Will cleaning crystals remove the intention I have set into the gem stones? Cleaning crystals does not remove any specific intentions you have set, unless you wish it to. As an example if you have a stone that you intentionally charged as a prosperity stone, it will still hold the prosperity intentions after the cleansing. If you wish to change the intention of a stone it is best to cleanse it, hold a ritual to clear the old intention, cleanse it again, and if you wish to give it a new intention, hold a ritual to cast the new intention. We always recommend asking the stone if this is in it's higher purpose and wishes before setting intentions or clearing them. If other people touch my stone should I cleanse it? Many people believe that a sacred crystal should never be touched by another, because it will be tainted by the other persons energy. In our practice, we have found the opposite to be true. Crystals are social and enjoy the interactions between other people and other crystals. We share our crystals with others, and often take them to group healings. At these events the stones are often picked up and touched by other. Do what feels right for you, though. If it makes you uncomfortable to have others touch your stones, you should do as your intuition speaks and keep your stones private. We have on very rare occasions had people at a healing circle whose energy did not feel clear. In those instances, we cleansed our stones after the interaction. If you ever feel that cleaning crystals is needed, listen to your intuition and do it. Should I always make a habit of cleaning crystals after a healing? It is a good idea to at least do a short running water cleaning crystals technique after a healing. If the crystal was held by you or another participant receiving energy healing, the crystal has a tendency to take away the impurities from the person. Some of it can get drawn into the crystal. We recommend cleaning crystals after they participate in a healing circle or energy healing of any kind. Now that you know the details of cleaning crystals, visit our section on programming your crystals to find out methods for increasing the power and intention of your stones. Cleaning Crystals and Gemstones Comments What did you think of this page? Comment Title Leave a Comment Comments about Cleansing Stones Article What everyone else thinks... Thank you! Not rated yet Thank you so much for taking the time to provide the detailed info on cleansing and for all of the great, free information on your site. It's a blessing!... Click here to write your own. RELATED PAGES Main Healing Crystals Section... Our crystal singing bowls cd... Our crystal singing bowls mp3... The Crystal Guide: Cleaning your Crystals... Programming your Crystals... Using Crystals for Dreamwork... Crystal experiences shared by readers... Reference: Metaphysical Properties of Stones... Articles: Best Crystal for Healing Anxiety... More Crystals for Anxiety Stress and Panic Attacks... Root Chakra Healing technique using Snowflake Obsidian... Make Your Own Reiki Healing Crystals...

path2prayer

Evaluating a Potential Marriage Partner

There is no more important decision after one has surrendered to Jesus.

In the Bible you will find the story of a wife being found for Isaac very helpful. Beyond that, I personally find the books Finding the Love of Your Life by Neil Clark Warren and Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot to be helpful. There are MANY other good books as well on the subject.

Here are a few general things to consider:

Pay special attention to the first three questions. Depending on the answers to these three, you may not have to consider the ones that follow for a few years since you are NOT ready to consider the "who to marry" question.

1. Are you of sufficient physical and emotional maturity to make such a decision. An 18 year old, for example, is going to change quite a bit in the next four years and doesn't even know what he or she will be like at the age of 22. What seemed perfect at 18, may seem awful four years later. It is best if a considerable portion of your university experience has been completed before you get into serious discussions with a person of the opposite sex about marriage, for the university experience will greatly broaden your views of life and greatly augment your intellectual and emotional maturity. As a result it is only later that you can properly evaluate a potential marriage partner. For some people it may need to be even later. When in doubt it is always better to delay.

2. Are you of sufficient spiritual maturity to make a decision. If you have not fully surrendered your life to God, you probably won't ask God to lead you in this, or at the very least you will evaluate on the basis of human criteria instead of using Biblical criteria. If you have not surrendered your life to God, you are NOT ready to consider the "marriage" decision.

3. Do you know God's purpose for your life? Do you know what kind of work He is calling you to? Until you can answer this question, it is will be very hard to know WHO God may be calling you to marry. Someone has said there are two great questions in life: 1. Where you want to go in life (for the Christian, this would be God's calling in your life), and 2. Who do you want to go there with (note the right person will be an individual who is wanting, or at least sincerely willing, to go on the same journey you feel called to). IF you can answer the "where" question, the "who" question is far easier to answer. Too many people answer the "who" question before they answer the "where" question. This can cause much frustration and sadness later. In my own mind, the great purpose in life is to know Jesus, to surrender to Him, and to devote one’s life to serving Him. Many attend church, but they haven’t seen that their lives belong to God. For the person who recognizes that he or she belongs to God, it is important to marry someone who similarly recognizes God's ownership.

If you ARE of sufficient emotional and physical maturity, HAVE surrendered to God, and know WHAT God is preparing you for in life, then you are prepared to consider the rest of the questions.

4. To what degree do you feel that God has specifically led the two of you together to serve Him in your marriage. In this respect what Muller says about knowing God’s will is very important.

5. Are you both Christians? Don’t even consider marriage with someone who is not a Christian. You may not care today, but you will eventually in most cases, and the saddest people I know are the ones who didn’t care ahead of time, but later changed their mind, and found themselves in very unhappy marriages. The person should also be a member of your own denomination. If not, have them study what you believe BEFORE you get married. A prior strong relationship with the Lord and with the church is a major strength for the future relationship.

6. How close are you in lifestyle? The way you spend your time and money are important to consider. Granted marriage was given to help overcome selfishness, however trend lines in this regard are worth considering.

7. Can the person admit when they have made mistakes and ask forgiveness. One would assume that Christians could easily say “I am sorry,” and “forgive me,” words which are magical in a relationship, but the reality is often otherwise. It is hard being married to someone who cannot—or will not—ask forgiveness. Asking forgiveness is often learned through example at home growing up. A deficit in this area will bring significant challenges to your marriage.

8. Are there similar energy levels. Some people are like the energy bunny, others need quite a bit of rest. Both groups include fine people, but significant differences in energy can challenge the relationship. Ambitions should also be similar, or at least compatible.

9. What are the family dynamics on each side? Can the families celebrate the union? If the family refuses to celebrate the union, are there valid reasons for refusing? What were the values of the respective families? Those values will often significantly impact the relationship in the future. What were the communication styles in the respective families? Do they communicate? Can they express affection? These styles definitely continue into the next relationship. None are necessarily bad, though there are exceptions such as abusive communication styles. Some people refer to the different languages of love and how each person communicates and responds to love in different ways—for example one person verbally expresses love, while another expresses love in giving gifts. Such differences are worth knowing about ahead of time. Reading a good book on the subject would be good. One should also consider how the respective families resolved their differences? Families tend to develop their own ways—patterns—of resolving differences. Some don’t address problems, preferring silence—which can get old over time. Some are very verbal when they are working things out, but resolved whatever is going on and forget about what was said. It has been suggested we all have two communication modes: the one we have when we are on our best behavior, and a backup mode that comes out when we feel threatened or upset, which isn't that pleasant, and can be similar to what we learned growing up. You should also consider the kind of respect shown to the mom and to the dad. This is an important one, because if the guy didn’t see his mom being respected and valued, he may not show respect to his spouse. The same is true for the wife relative to her respect for her father. Challenges mentioned are not unchangeable life sentences, but they should not be minimized either. In some ways you ARE marrying each other’s family and are bringing the relational styles of your respective families to the marriage. Serious issues should result in serious counseling ahead of time.

10. How optimistic is the person? Optimism and hopefulness comes more easily to some than others. However, in my opinion, it is also a decision, and we can develop a more optimistic frame of mind by saying “yes” and “thank you” to God more often, which of course helps us develop a more confident belief that He is somehow working for good in ALL situations.

11. Can the respective parties make room for differing opinions and different rates of spiritual growth? Some individuals see every decision as a “yes” or “no” kind of decision—some would use the term “black and white”, regardless of what others say. Life isn’t always so simple and appropriate open-mindedness can make for a happier marriage.

12. Minimize the wonderful things ahead of time; maximize the little things. I am not negating the good things that attracted you, but they tend to be forgotten later and the little “We can change that later” things become all important. Don’t assume you can change each other AFTER the marriage. Warren says some good things in this regard.

13. Common interests are often cited as important ingredients of a happy marriage. The more things you enjoy in common, the more things you will enjoy doing together. The more time you spend together, the closer you will feel to each other. These commonalities will also help you weather relational storms.

14. To what degree are former associations having to change. Friendships are voluntary and are a good indicator of compatibility. Having to change your friends to maintain the relationship can be an important negative indicator of compatibility since friendships are voluntary and you usually spend time with people you are compatible with. Of course it could be a positive indicator if you find yourself spending time with people who help you walk with Jesus. Just realize that any change of friendships is an important indicator that yields helpful data.

15. A suspicious, critical, spirit is also to be watched out for—everyone struggles with this some, but some people have more of a problem with this than others, and it can make for future unhappiness. Are there good reasons for the suspicions? Was this mode of thinking learned at home? Do the suspicians indicate an underlying insecurity? If it was a part of the home growing up, it may well continue into the new home. We are advised that this kind of spirit will destroy the spirituality of a church; it will also mar—perhaps even destroy—the happiness of your home. Life is too short to go through life being suspicious of everyone. If you want to experiment with this, spend a week criticizing each other and being suspicious of each another. Then spend a week affirming each other. See which mode results in a sense of feeling closer. Evaluate which mode results in a greater desire to love and cherish each other. I have heard it said that for every critical thing expressed to another person, ten positive things should be expressed.

16. How free is communication? Are your thoughts welcomed and seriously considered, or do you find your opinions being subordinated to the other? Do you find yourself “walking on egg shells” and avoiding certain subjects? This is a major red flag since it often gets worse after marriage. Open communication is an indicator of mutual respect.

17. Inordinate possessiveness can also be problematic. Some people feel good about themselves and can give much in the relationship, for example, desiring the other person to succeed. Others are not as confident, and therefore struggle to allow the other person to have a “healthy” degree of freedom, in fact, sometimes finding it impossible to allow any freedom. This is a serious red flag problem and I urge you to get counseling for this—if this is a serious issue, you should get out of the relationship as quickly as possible!

18. Are you able to study the Bible and pray together? This isn’t the easiest thing to do.

19. What are other people who know you both saying? The heart is deceptive above all things, and love can cause one to be blind. Asking the opinions of others is always a good idea. Many mistakes are made as a result of not seeking counsel from the godly people God has placed in our lives. Ask your parents what they think, but remember that non Christian parents cannot be looked to for godly counsel in the same way Christian parents can be looked to. Ask spiritually mature people what they think? Ask your friends who know you? Most of all ask God. Don’t minimize what is said, but also make sure you let God have the last word. Hudson Taylor, the famous missionary to China, was eventually happily married to Maria Dryer, in spite of a governess who was totally opposed to the marriage—friends secretly arranged for them to meet, at which time he immediately proposed. However, her parents' permission was sought and obtained prior to their getting married!

There is more I could share but these are a few things that come to mind.

There is something worse than being single, and something better than being single: being married. With the right person it is wonderful; with the wrong person it redefines the word “awful.” But after you are married it will be too late to change anything. That is why you should seriously consider the questions raised!

Happy marriages are God’s desire, God’s will, and are very possible. George Muller was married twice and we get the sense that both marriages were wonderful. In fact, regarding his first wife Mary, he said there was never a moment when he did not look on her without feeling joy and that they NEVER had problems. You will find that most of the people who God used in a great way WERE married. There were exceptions—William Burns, the revivalist from Scotland remained single for example; John Wesley the founder of the Methodist Church was unhappily married—but most great Christians seemed to be happily married. If you want to read a book on the marriages of great Christians, I recommend Quest for Love by Elizabeth Elliot.

You can find a sermon I shared on the subject in NZ at this link: Finding a Wife for Isaac. There are also sections on marriage and knowing God’s will in the practical Christianity section at path2prayer.com

Please feel free to write if you have questions on what I have written.

Dan Augsburger
path2prayer@yahoo.com